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There about 600 seniors at Garden Grove High School, and they all have mouths, and they all abuse that evolved (or God-given) privilege. Everyone has tips when it comes to senior year, and everyone thinks they’re right. Go ahead, try to ask any of these sheisters for advice. You’ll find yourself drowning in a baffling, muddled chicken noodle soup of contradicting advice, grasping wildly for a direction in life and gasping for nonexistent metaphorical air. Luckily for you, there’s a sexy lifeguard on duty — me. Grip that life preserver tight, because you’re about to drown. In knowledge.

Senior Year Tip 1:

Procrastinating isn’t THAT bad.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, “Don’t procrastinate”, I’d have enough nickels to pay someone else to write this article. Like watching Korean dramas, procrastination is harmless, even healthy for you, if done under proper supervision. Personally, I procrastinate all the time and I haven’t faced the consequences yet. Now excuse me while I finish my college applications.

Senior Year Tip 2:

Cheating has literally no consequences.

See, on the surface, school is an institution intended to educate and create productive members of society. But if you look deeper, it’s actually a game, a game between teachers and students. I like to call this game “Cheating”.  If you get caught by the teachers, you’ll be penalized; but if you succeed, then you win. I’m not sure what, but you win something somehow. Some students write notes on their hands; others create elaborate communication networks. I like to copy down the teacher’s lectures and read them over and over again the night before a test so that all the information is stored inside my brain, ready to be used on game day. Now, anyone who tells you cheating is wrong is just trying to eliminate competition. Besides, it’s not like being caught can revoke your college acceptance, right?

Senior Year Tip 3:

Scholarships are for chumps.

Sure, a college degree gets you a leg up in the job market and offers a more secure future. Sure, college costs thousands of dollars and leaves graduates with crippling debt. Sure, cooky millionaires and philanthropic organizations are giving away free money to alleviate the financial burden it presents. But you’re telling me I have to take some initiative and spend three hours of my precious time to write an essay? Nah.

Senior Year Tip 4:

If it looks like crap and it smells like crap, don’t hesitate to turn it in.

Teachers skim over everything. You think they have time to check every assignment for every kid in every class? They’re too busy doing their jobs to be grading papers. It’s much easier to find pictures online and dump a bottle of glitter on a slab of glue-coated poster board than it is to spend hours completing a science fair project the honest and respectable way. Use that saved time to do something productive, like learning how to snowboard.

Senior Year Tip 5:

Buy everything super late.

Yearbooks. Prom tickets. Grad Night tickets. Sure, you could buy them early and save money, but my advice is to buy them all as late as possible. Trust me, you’ll look really cool. Unlike the narrow-minded, stressed out saps caught up in society’s rat race, you’re not tied down by material things, like money or deadlines. You’re above all that, and others should know. Plus you’ll never run out of conversation topics; your friends love to hear you complain about your own mistakes. sure.

Senior Year Tip 6:

Manners are a waste of time.

Teachers like spunk. After putting up with boring, polite kids all day, they need someone with personality, someone not afraid to tell them they’re wrong… using their first name. Stick gum under the desks, turn that snark dial to max, and spew those curses, swears and salty sailor language out like churned diarrhea. Remember: referrals are love notes.

Senior Year Tip 7:

Just stay home.

High school goes by fast. Like Usain Bolt running from a cheetah on a motorcycle fast. There’s no point in “making memories with your friends” or “appreciating high school,” because it’ll end before you know it. It’s much less effort to just stay home and take a nap. You’ll have more fun that way.