It’s been said a million times, and it becomes a recurring theme in many cases; whether it’s love or just dealing with the trivial conflicts we face in high school — we’re all just trying to find ourselves.
It’s kind of hard to believe that we’re able to make relationships that are worthwhile at this age. I mean, we’re young, kind of naïve, and still forming that frontal cortex so we’re not the greatest decision makers but, man, love in high school — what a magical, bittersweet, emotional roller coaster. Hormones. Hormones. Hormones. Hormones. Forgive me for over emphasizing the presence of estrogen and testosterone flying all over the place, but it happens. With heartbreak and love at first sight theoretically taking place in every crack and corner of this campus, you can’t escape the eerie feeling of love exploding in your face, and it suddenly sways you to fall into the trap.
It’s an epidemic: lovesick, lovestruck, love. It’s mass hysteria: everyone’s looking for it. Everyone craves an experience that seems tangible at this age; it’s almost like since we’re so close to the end and are considered young adults (although sometimes we’re guilty of being nothing but children still), we want to do everything, try new things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to be the best at it. We’re all broken. Incomplete. You could say we’re in a beta, and we’re all testing the waters so that we can see what qualities we like and don’t like, so that later in life, we can find someone that suits us. Of course, our stubborn mentality enforces that we’ll definitely find the one in these hallways. but love has a funny way of happening, and that may very well be the case.
A good quote that deeply infatuated me was “Our best ally is someone that compliments us”. This could mean a lot of things, but a teacher of mine has brought it to my attention that we shouldn’t be looking for another half to make us whole. Instead, we have to find ourselves and be our own whole. We can’t rely on someone else to make us happy because realistically, we’re on our own in this crazy world. We set ourselves up for disappointment if we put our happiness in someone else’s hands, we’re giving someone the power to destroy us; it may seem poetic to do so but it’s not realistic.
I’m not qualified to give this advice, and I’m not telling you to stop living your life and experimenting, or that you need to start putting yourself out there. We all learn from trial and error, and even by just observing what’s around us. High school is crazy, being in love in high school- also crazy.. Stop to appreciate what’s happening right now, embrace the new experiences we encounter today, and don’t forget to do your homework before it’s too late.
“You know it too. I was this quiet, no drama girl who had sudden spurts of confidence, sarcastic arrogance, and spiteful genuineness, if that makes any sense. I remember myself being as colorful as that. (Sorry I faded..) I was nothing but a background character in everyday life, but I chose to be reserved and selectively extroverted so that maybe I could brighten someone’s day.
They say the happiest people are the saddest, and somehow that reflected off of you as you joyfully began to greet those around you but then become apart of the white noise, subtle. You were quiet and had mischievous laughs that would creep its way into the track that filled my ears. I noticed you. I can even recount a moment in time where you hugged me so I wouldn’t feel left out. You were someone I could spot from distances away because your distinctive glasses gave you away, or the curve of your hair and the way it flopped as you walked through the hallways. You were magical, well liked and captivating. When you stood close to me, I felt chills; everything in my body was screaming “trouble”. I thought I was strong enough to stand my ground and keep my composure as I struggled to be next to you. We exchanged small phrases with subliminal meanings. I’m not oblivious to those around me, and you , sir, stood out like a sore thumb. The many stares from girls that landed in your direction was alarming, and the many quirky smiles that would suddenly erupt to seem candid frightened me. I knew I shouldn’t have talked to you, but I thought if I befriended you maybe you’d give me hugs more often. Maybe I would find someone trapped inside of you and I could pull you out of the misty depression that glazed over your eyes.
Girls usually want to fix people. Especially in high school when relationship standards are oddly off balanced and everyone’s broken as heck and you see potential and what you like and think you can suddenly mold the perfect person. You, were already a product of God, with the lottery of good genes won and a character animated with love and enthusiasm; I thought you were complete. I thought I was stable enough to handle you. I thought that together we could stand as night and day, where the extroverted guy suddenly finds the moon that would sing him to sleep, so that finally, he could lower his guard and feel safe to be who he really was. I’m not trying to say that you were faking being happy, I just knew how exhausting it was to tell everyone they’re going to be okay when no one reciprocated it.
From what i’m saying now, it probably greatly differs from what has happened over the course of a few months, but my intentions stand the way they are. And as we slowly drift apart, i’m starting to have time to find myself too.
I thought you were out of my league. I thought I had to escape your clutches and not fall into the trap that everyone says you were. I fearlessly walked into your body of water and frankly, drowned and didn’t make it out alive. I knew that I would love you when I looked at you. I told myself that can’t happen. With the odds playing out in some twisted game of poker, somehow I had a full house. And you did that. You made something feel like home. I dragged out my confidence from the emptiness that I made into a shadow that covered me when I was alone; it called for friends to notice me and called for people to fill the space that clouded my head with thoughts of never waking up. You’re right. I need to grow and learn. You’re right, I have to deal with my own problems first. You’re wrong. This isn’t goodbye.
I accept what’s happening and I hope and trust in my heart to guide me back to you one day. I’ll be the best person I can be. I’ll find myself. Don’t wait up. Live your life. Even if the bus stop I get off of is just in front of you, keep going. Because I can’t hold you back. So if, there never comes a time where I see you at the station, but instead another person beats me to it. Hold them, and don’t let them go. Love them more than they love you. Appreciate them and make sure your gratitude is present in every small means there are; even if it is normal or casual. There is no level where you can stop loving her. So be the gentleman everyone knows you to be, and continue to light the way for those who fear the dark.
No matter how relentless and persistent the moon is, she can never catch up to the sun. Even if it’s just for that moment, when she can finally hold him in what they call an eclipse, they have to part- a world without a sun is cold and desolate. But, she waits. She watches. She chases him to make night, and wallows away to see the day. And no matter how hard it is to be so far, she’s reminded by the warmth of the rays that somehow illuminate her. And the cycle goes on. “