Even though 2016’s Valentine’s Day has ended and you’re still single, not all hope is lost. There are still plenty of opportunities to quench your thirst — but you need to be smart about it. Among the various tricks, scams, and strategies at your disposal, there is no tactic as cunning or time-honored as The Pick-Up Line. Allow me to outline this technique for those who are unfamiliar with it. To begin, you must approach your target. Upon arrival, he or she will be suspicious, wary. This is where The Pick-Up Line comes into play: you flash a flirtatious smile, wink and then, you drop it, right in front of them. Don’t be deceived by its simplicity; The Pick-Up Line is an art form that takes years to master. Done correctly, you’ll be able to disarm and charm. Here are a few of my personal favorites that are guaranteed to maybe actually work (hopefully).
- Hey sugar cheeks, you looking for a good time? When he or she inevitably answers “No”, follow up with Great! I’ll pick you up at seven!
- Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material. (or Girlfriend material, you do you) Be careful with this line, he or she might end up dumping you in favor of your shirt.
- Wanna know how I got these guns? Flex and point at your biceps. By lifting underprivileged children out of poverty. You are not only exhibiting your physical strength, but also revealing your humanitarianism.
- Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is a mess. This line is designed to attack him or her psychologically. By making him or her self-conscious of his or her flawed features, you make him or her more vulnerable.
- Wow, you look like my dad. This line can be applied to both boys and girls. Sigmund Freud’s Oedipus/Electra Complex states that everyone is unconsciously attracted to his or her parental figure. By mentioning your father, you subconsciously awaken this attraction in him or her, and because you are the focus of attention, it is directed towards yourself.
- I seem to have lost my number. Can I borrow yours? This line has a very high success rate. By presenting yourself vulnerably, you evoke his or her parental instincts to protect you.
- Gosh, your hand looks heavy. Let me hold it for you. This line shows him or her that you are a considerate person. It also tricks him or her into holding your hand.
- Are you a thief? Because you just stole my heart. Continue to accuse him or her of theft. Be sure to raise your volume so everyone in the establishment can hear. If he or she refuses to return your heart, contact law enforcement.
- Look at him or her and shake your head sadly. My mother warned me the Devil would be attractive. Clutch your crucifix to your chest and mutter prayers. Throw salt over your shoulder.
- Reach down the back of his or her t-shirt and grasp his or her tag. Just as I suspected: Made in Heaven. In addition to flattering him or her, this move allows you to check where his or her t-shirt was manufactured. This provides valuable insight into his or her sense of ethics: Does he or she support sweatshop labor?
- Baby, I got a container of cottage cheese and it’s got your name on it. This line works best if his or her name is Cottage Cheese.
- If you were a fruit, you would be a FINEapple! If you were a flower, you would be a DAMNdelion! If you were a vegetable, you would be a CUTEcumber! Continue with similarly awful puns until he or she starts kissing you.
- A train leaves Denver at a speed of 90 miles per hour and a second train leaves Chicago at a speed of 120 miles per hour. Name the soft white Greek cheese that usually made from goat’s milk. Take advantage of his or her confusion and steal his or her phone number. Later that night, text him or her more trivia questions.