How (Not) To Study for Finals

“If you’re reading this, it’s too late.”

Drake isn’t wrong, but fine — if it makes you feel better, D-Day is still a couple of days away, meaning there’s still time to stay up until 3am listening to Hank Green’s Biology Crash Course lectures in 2x speed before the AP Biology final, on top of all your other finals, comes for you.

Alright, sounds like a plan! No need to make a deal with the devil if Argolog’s around. Here are general study tips that will totally, positively, most definitely assure you that A+ you need to inflate your GPA and make your parents proud. Yes. We believe so. We believe in you.

  • Read Webster’s Dictionary. Or Dictionary.com. Or a dusty dictionary from the attic.
    • The key to acing tests is comprehension – and how can you get 100% if you don’t know what each word means? Did you know that there are more than six definitions to the article “the”? Best to immerse yourself in a dictionary so you don’t confuse the fourth definition of “the” for its seventh definition. Incredibly helpful if you’re taking an English test, but go ahead and use this tip to prepare for your math quizzes.You’ve been granted foresight.
  • Memorize the transcript of Youtube user Bill Wurtz’s “history of japan”.
    • Studying US History? Cramming for biology? Need content for your English essay? You’ve hit a gold mine – well, you will, if you travel to the Reed Gold Mine in North Carolina. Oh, what about “history of japan”? That’s more of gold memes rather than gold mine. Memorizing the transcript is an excellent skill to add to your resume – think of it as insurance to get your dream job if everything else goes wrong! Yay!
  • Remember who you are. Let your reflection show who you are inside. Talk to yourself.
    • We promise not to send anyone to the mental asylum for verbalizing to themselves out loud the complete process of the Krebs cycle. Mufasa’s ghost didn’t return to deny voices to the test-taking high achiever inside of us. Even though we can’t see your friend George, please proceed with explaining to him why you’re taking the derivative in this Calculus problem. We won’t judge. Just pretend we’re not even there! You got this.
  • Indulge in the essentials: coffee, and sleep.
    • You can’t start studying without first grabbing a cup of coffee. You’d better not pick up a pencil without having had at least 8 hours of sleep the night before. Do not dare compromise the power of the written word with your lack of sleep. Haven’t had a cup of coffee nor sleep? Perhaps we need to reconsider that exchange with Satan.

All jokes aside, there is definitely still time to study for your finals. Reread your notes, annotate, and ask your teachers for help after class if you still have questions. Stay optimistic, and may the odds be ever in your favor.