So you managed to land a date this Valentine’s Day. Great! So, tell me, where did you bring this lucky guy/gal? A restaurant? Signal Hill? God forbid, a movie theater? If you answered yes, then I have bad news for you — you are as dry as sand. But not to worry! Even the driest sand can turn into Playdoh with a little magic. And in the spirit of this poorly crafted analogy, I just happen to have some magic to make your next Valentine’s Day more exciting. Here are 8 places to consider bringing your beloved next year.
Speaking of sand and magic, Arizona!. As the hottest spot on this list, it, might be too much fun for you to handle. The Copper State boasts a grand total of three attractions, each an exciting and different shape of rock. Additionally, the hundreds of thousands of square miles of desert means lots of travel time, which equals bonding time for you and your new love.
2. Portable Potty
You’re no less of a man (or woman) for being nervous before a date; it’s completely natural! And the involuntary discharge of feces from your body every time you get too anxious? That is also natural! Now if I’ve learned anything from Boy Scouts, it’s to always be prepared. That’s what makes the portapotties not just a novel place to spend February 14th, but a practical place too. So now when you gaze into your darling’s eyes and feel the diarrhea churn, you will not only be there — you will be square.
Everyone knows that secrets make a poor foundation for a relationship. After all, if you want to commit, you’ll need to omit (your secrets). This Valentine’s day, take a swim down to Guantanamo Bay, where even international criminals can’t keep their mouths shut. Only in the tropics of a US military base located in Cuba are you guaranteed to extract the truth out of your beloved. Trust is a hard thing to find these days; if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll find it together, beyond the reach of basic human rights.
4. The Grocery Store
The grocery store is a hot spot for couples, young and old. From the frigid freezer aisles to the tropical produce section, there’s room for every couple. And unlike restaurants, the grocery store doesn’t limit you with those finicky menus; only in a grocery store can you dine on Chef Boyardee and greek yogurt simultaneously.
Okay, so the other venues are too extreme for you — you want something calmer, something more vanilla, something traditional. Well, nothing says that you’re down to earth and heaven-bound louder than bringing your significant other to church. Only here can you validate your union before a higher power by singing hymns, confessing sins, and joining your fellows in prayer. Don’t feel obliged to limit yourself to Christianity. Maybe you’re more of a Buddhist, or a Hindu, maybe even a Muslim. No matter what religion you follow, feel free to share it with your loved one!
6. Chuck E. Cheese’s
Maybe you want something a bit spicier. Well, it doesn’t get much spicier than good ol’ Chuck’s. Anyone who’s spent time in any of their gorgeous establishments can attest to their hardworking and dedicated staff, their delectable menu, and, of course, their world-renowned arcade. Whether your date is into shooters or basketball, you’ll find something there to entertain them.
Since I’m destined to spend every Valentine’s Day alone, you won’t have to worry about interrupting anything. In fact, you can consider it charity work; I’ll even sign any volunteer forms you need. I have plenty of board games and I even know some funny jokes. There are some pretty cool trees in my backyard too. please I am so lonely.