Halloween Horoscopes

[et_pb_section][et_pb_row][et_pb_column type=”1_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Aquarius” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

AQUARIUS

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Just like the flames illuminating the Halloween jack-o-lanterns, your future, too, is bright. You will at last become one with the warm oranges and reds of the fall season when you very likely spontaneously combust later this week.

 

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Gemini” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

GEMINI

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 21)

Everyone always talks about the double nature of Geminis, which is why the Halloween season is a perfect time to embrace your own duality by wearing not one mask, but two. Having a poorly-made plastic face covering your own as well as a disturbing mask on the back of your head? What a fantastic idea.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Libra” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

LIBRA Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

When weighing the pros and cons of going up to that one ominous mansion at the end of the block to trick-or-treat on Halloween night, it’s also important to remember that the people who live there have got to be incredibly rich. Which, in turn, means that you’ll likely get the best candy from that house. If you don’t die trying, of course.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Pisces” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

Pisces

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Good news, your childhood dream of becoming a merperson is coming true! You don’t even need a costume this year! Just don’t try to scratch the scales growing in and creeping up the sides of your legs and torso and your scalp. You may feel a strange itching sensation along your skin, and in your lungs as you slowly begin to need to only breathe water, but don’t worry; it’s all part of the beautiful rite of passage.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Cancer” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

CANCER

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

Cancer is known for being the moon sign of the zodiac. This information, however, is incorrect. Cancer is actually associated with the massive asteroid currently on a direct path toward earth that will cause its imminent destruction on Halloween. Fun fact!

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Scorpio” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

SCORPIOScorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Valentine’s Day isn’t for another few months, so stop calling that demon you summoned with your brand new Ouija Board your girlfriend. She’d prefer that you at least take her out for dinner a few times first before you change your Facebook status to ‘In a Relationship’.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Aries” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

ARIES

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

Just like the flames illuminating the Halloween jack-o-lanterns, your future, too, is bright. You will at last become one with the warm oranges and reds of the fall season when you very likely spontaneously combust later this week.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Leo” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

LEO

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 23)

In the true spirit of the lion the gives the Leo constellation its name, begin the ultimate alternative, hipster lifestyle by selling all of your material possessions, moving into a remote cave or to the savannah, and hunting for prey with only your teeth and claws. It’s totally in right now.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Sagittarius” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

SAGGITARIUSSagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

As winter and the new year draw ever closer, it’s a perfect time to reflect upon your past deeds and your goals for the future. It’s also an optimal time to reflect upon famous figures who also share your star sign! This month is all about Nero, the Roman emperor who committed countless violent atrocities. What a legacy to try and live up to! You can always start by dressing as a Roman emperor for Halloween.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″][et_pb_text admin_label=”Taurus” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

TAURUS

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

Harvest season means that it is time to become one with the earth — be sure to say your farewells until next fall before burying yourself in a patch of dirt. The soil is dry this year, all thanks to the drought, but it’s all about perspective and optimism.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Virgo” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

VIRGO

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

Since your sign has a reputation for meddling in others’ business, why not turn it into something profitable? Purchase an oversized marble online, set up a table on your local street corner, and offer to predict people’s futures. Remember to add some oogly-boogly sound effects, too – it really sets the mood.

[/et_pb_text][et_pb_text admin_label=”Caricorn” background_layout=”light” text_orientation=”left” use_border_color=”off” border_color=”#ffffff” border_style=”solid”]

CAPRICORNCapricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Alright, we get it, you have this overwhelming need to be the very best at pumpkin carving. But after the hundredth pumpkin, it’s time to stop. You’ve essentially just slaughtered a whole pumpkin family. That’s pretty messed up, bro.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]