Getting advice from somebody is like opening a Christmas present from your aunt that you don’t really want, or need, but you still have to take anyway. Most of the time, advice is just a sack of worthless excuses, but every once in awhile, you end up with some words of wisdom that actually mean something. If you’re looking for the latter, you’ve come to the right place! I, Potato Prickett, have the most influential and important advice you will ever receive. Brace yourselves for the most necessary advice as we roll into 2017.
Dear Potato Prickett,
My friend’s birthday is coming up and he recently got a bike. He told me he didn’t have enough money to get a helmet so I was planning on getting him one. One problem: it seems uncool for a guy to have a helmet so I want to make sure I’m not wasting $50 on something he won’t use.
Dear Selfless Samantha,
Buy him a helmet! I mean, it is the law, so everyone who thinks it’s “uncool” will just get arrested and die in accidents anyways. If he doesn’t want it, then take it back and get him something from the Dollar Tree because he doesn’t deserve anything better.
Get that gift!
I’m going camping this weekend, but it’s going to be freezing cold. I don’t really want to go but I have to. I have so little time to pack and I also have to pack way more than just clothes. I’m supposed to bring a cooler and I don’t know why or how. I’m just too lazy and I’m terrified of hypothermia.
Dear Dying Donna,
First of all, don’t pack a cooler! You can just use the snow if it’s that cold. (Or somebody else could do that.) Just bring the largest suitcase you own and stuff all your clothes in it so you don’t have to stress. That way, you’ll have an entire closet to choose from! Or you can pack just one outfit and secretly never change.
Dear Ms. Prickett,
I can only say this in a very blunt fashion: I have crippling depression. It’s all caused by my so-called “friends” who roast me everyday. I just want to grow up to be an all-star, but they keep putting me down and calling me a loser. They tell me to be more like an onion, but I don’t even understand what that means because everybody I know hates onions.
Thanks in advance,
Dear Traumatized Tiffany,
I suggest that you just try to think happy thoughts. Hey now, you’re an all-star, so don’t let them do that to you. I think they want you to be more like an onion and build up some layers and thicker skin. Basically, just don’t take the roasts to heart. To prepare yourself for constant roasts, try roasting yourself so that you’re ready for anything.
My grades are dropping fast and the semester is about to end. I am totally lost and all my 100%’s are now all 99.9%’s. I’m freaking out that I’m not going to keep my 4.0 and I need advice!
Never Perfect Natalie
Dear Never Perfect Natalie,
I wouldn’t worry about your grades dropping so little, but for my readers that have larger problems, don’t be afraid to talk to your teachers and work hard to get your grades up. Remember, teachers are here to help, not hurt, and it is important to get help when necessary.
Keep getting those grades up!
What did I say about the most influential advice of 2017? Yeah, I think this is the best advice that I’ve ever given. I can’t tell if this is some magical gift I got from my aunt or if it’s a New Year’s resolution that I didn’t know I was working on, but either way, I feel like I can actually say that I helped some good people out. Oh, and never forget that you’re an all-star, too.