Back to School Horoscopes 2017

ARIES:

We hope you’ve invested in a 12-pack of erasers, because there will be a LOT of mistakes this year – one eraser just won’t cut it. Refer to your local Staples for the cheapest value packs.

 

TAURUS:

Stress eating mode will be in full swing this semester, as well as the semester after that. Argolog has 2 words for you. Uber EATS. Here’s another word: MIMIN13OUE.

 

GEMINI:

There are two sides to school: the academic aspect, and the social aspect. This year, your grades will be fine. As for your homies…we’ll be praying for you.

 

CANCER:

There are 8 more months until summer. 8 more months until you can lounge on your couch and stream Netflix all day (and night). For now, 8 months of reading and writing and math-ing and crying. The grind never stops.

 

LEO:

Any plans of being Homecoming King? Prom Princess? There is royalty in your blood. If you don’t vy for the throne, who else would be worthy? Go forth; rule the school.

 

VIRGO:

This is the year of glow-ups. Of dyeing your hair orange. Of getting a tan. Of face masks and juice cleanses and achieving fitness goals. Self-improvement is a constant process and doesn’t need to be hindered by school stress.

 

LIBRA:

This year, you’ll have to learn how to balance your school life with your everyday life. If you don’t, then be prepared for a whole sea of trouble this semester. Good luck, this is going to be a busy year for you!

 

SCORPIO:

Your popularity will skyrocket this year! You’ll make new friends and keep the current ones you have now for a very long time. You’ll be the most popular kid in school.

 

Sagittarius

Head into the year knowing that you’ll crash mid-year. But it’s perfectly okay – you won’t be the only one. Cope with the pain by saving up money for tons of ice cream. Who says money can’t buy happiness?

 

Capricorn

The stars predict that you will get a 99.9% on your next exam. They also predict that their predictions may be inaccurate. But they have faith in you!! Go pass those tests anyway!

 

Aquarius

You are in need of a baptism. Wash away all your sins from the last school year – let go of your past unwise decisions. No more procrastinating. No more disorganization. You are reborn.

 

Pisces

DO NOT USE MECHANICAL PENCILS. Boycott them. Use wooden pencils instead. If you use lead pencils, you are aiding the aliens! Dependence on them will result in failing your SAT/ACT essays! Learn from a victim.