“AP”-ril Horoscopes

In this edition, fate takes a look at your star sign to find the AP test best suited to you! Good luck and happy testing, Argos!

ARIES: Your AP test match: AP Biology

AP Bio is the first test of the year, and as the very first zodiac sign, it’s a match made in heaven. Or the constellations. Prep for your exam by pulling a My Side of the Mountain and ditch your responsibilities to go become one with nature. Nothing will broaden your scope of biological knowledge more.

TAURUS: Your AP test match: AP Physics

You’re the first earth sign of the zodiac, and what better way is there to get back to your roots and down to earth by mathematically analyzing every single aspect of movement and energy in the world? Answer: there is none. Employ kinesthetic learning techniques by tracing your physics formula into some mud.

GEMINI: Your AP test match: AP World History

There are two sides to every Gemini, and two sides to every story. History. There are actually a lot more than just two sides to every story, which is why AP World History is such a complex class, but it’s nothing that you can’t handle! To prepare for your exam, spend each day leading up to May 11 as though you’re living in one of the historical eras you’re studying. Living without technology and basic human rights may make keeping up with your other classes difficult, sure, but if you aren’t dedicated, then what are you even doing in this class?

CANCER: Your AP test match: AP Literature and Composition

As the most emotional of the signs, it’s only fitting that you take the most heart-wrenching AP class and emotional AP test. How to prepare? Cry. Cry a lot. You might as well get your emotions out as much as possible before it’s game day and you have to write an essay on the novels that made you sob.

LEO: Your AP test match: AP Spanish

Many astrologers regard Leo as the most confident of the zodiac signs, and that overflowing confidence is the exact thing you’ll need if you want to conquer the AP Spanish test. The best way to absorb all of that grammatical and vocabulary information? Eat your flashcards. Literally absorb the information. This is a tried and true studying method.

VIRGO: Your AP test match: AP Calculus AB

Calculus requires a lot of attention to detail, which is something that Virgos excel in. Calculus, however, is quite the intense subject — memorizing might not cut it. Notes and electronic devices aren’t allowed into the testing center, but CollegeBoard makes no statement on whimsical formula tattoos. Don’t study, just save up your money!

LIBRA: Your AP test match: AP Government and Politics

Libras embody justice and balance — supposedly — which ought to give you an advantage when it comes to memorizing all those court cases. There are so many U.S. court cases you need to know. We don’t even have studying advice for you other than “try not to drown.”

SCORPIO: Your AP test match: AP Language and Composition

So, not to be offensive, but your sign is generally regarded as the most…difficult of them all, so your best testing match would have to be AP Lang. Frustrating, absurdly challenging, but extremely satisfying to finally master — it’s probably a metaphor for getting past someone’s walls or something. Prepare for your exam by brushing up on your Ancient Sumerian; nobody ever specified which language the exam would be on.

SAGITTARIUS: Your AP test match: AP US History

Sagittariuses are known for their outspoken, bold nature, and what’s more American than that? Sharpen your American history skills by visiting every single American landmark there is before the test and carefully observing every natural detail. It’s not like the test is going to cover the Populist Party or presidents or wars or anything irrelevant like that.

CAPRICORN: Your AP test match: AP Macroeconomics

Ah, Capricorn, just as determined and ambitious as — whatever that thing is that the constellation is supposed to be. It looks like it would be. It also looks like an atrocious crime against the rules of biology, but that’s not our place to comment. Anyways, you should channel your natural affinity for hard work into the subject that will prepare you most to take on business in the real world. Study hard now, and review constantly — if you learn your way around money, maybe you’ll be able to make enough in the future to finally pay off those student loans.

AQUARIUS: Your AP test match: AP Statistics

Largely regarded as the most logical of the signs, your perfect AP match would, logically, be the test that requires the most logical math skills, logically. Prepare for your exam by consuming at least three calculators.

PISCES: Your AP test match: AP Latin

Pisces naturally flock towards the fanciful and imaginative, and nothing encapsulates that more than Roman Mythology. Debatably. It actually just encapsulates extreme violence. Anyways, immerse yourself in the legends and stories of old by mastering the language used to tell them. To psych yourself up for test day and to eliminate competition, use your knowledge to turn the AP testing center into a gladiatorial arena. Thumbs up or thumbs down!